How to Lick a Knife. . .um. . .Make a PB&J :)

No, making a sandwich does not usually require so much pink. No, we did not spill Pepto Bismol on the table, that is the table cloth leftover from Woody's birthday party! I won't let Mama take it off. . .fond memories are not enough when it comes to princess tablecloths, I guess. Did I mention Woody loves princesses? Well he does. But that is a story for another day, and so is the birthday bash we threw for him last weekend!

For now, I am excited to share with you my latest talent. Making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich all by myself! I read a story where a kid made his own PB and J, I was intrigued! I asked Mama if I could make one, too? Of course. For the past two weeks, I've been happily making them MY WAY! Don't try to suggest any other way to do it because I will not listen.

Before I begin, I must explain one very important part of the PB and J process. Make sure you use a dull knife. Preferably a plastic party knife, because there is a LOT of licking involved, and we don't want any accidents. Knife licking, you ask? YES! I am convinced that the licking IS necessary, and probably helps me spread the slick ingredients all over the bread.

Moving on.

Ingredients/Supplies you will need:

Dull knife

Peanut butter (or almond butter, that tastes yummy, too!)

Jelly (Whatever fruit you prefer. Doesn't matter whether you use jelly or preserves, they all taste delicious on a knife!)

Plate *optional*

As far as I am concerned, plates are optional, but my Mama makes me use a plate. Something about crumb containment. Really? Those little things are THAT big of a deal? I don't see it. I figure the furry vacumm cleaner sitting under the table (aka Koda) will slurp up any crumbs that fall on the table and I so slyly brush onto the floor where she can access them with her sniffer and tongue. But, OK. For Mama's sake, get a plate, would ya?

*BONUS* If you are lucky, and Mama is in a good mood when you are all done making your sandwich, you'll probably get a cookie when you are done eating! So, for Pete's sake, keep Mama happy :) (who is Pete, anyway?)

Bread (I use an english muffin in my photo tutorial below--it makes a nice upscale PB and J)

Instructions:

Dip your knife in the peanut butter. Don't be shy! Get lots on that knife!

Now, forget what you were really trying to do, and lick the knife. Peanut butter is irresistible!

OK, wait for it. . .yes, there it is. Mama reminding you to put the peanut butter on the BREAD next time. Yes, OK. Got it! Let's try again!

Dip the knife in the peanut butter. Forget what your goal is, once again, and go for instant gratification and lick the knife again!

*note, after the 1st time I tried making a PB and J by myself, Mama designated a jar of PB, just for me! Because I am so special! Right? *Mama's shaking her head "no". . .hmmmm, not sure why else she would give me the whole jar to myself?* Anyway, moving on!

Which reminds me, make sure if you really do want to have a sandwich at the end of this process, that you don't make it alone! Otherwise you will end up really full of PB and J, and your bread will still be naked!

OK, repeat peanut butter attempt #3. Watch Mama hold her breath as you reach the point where nobody is sure where the knife full of PB is going. . .mouth? or bread? This is where having a parter helps. Mama urges me to try putting it on the bread this time, and I oblige. Fun! But not as tasty.

Repeat this process for as long as it takes to cover the bread with peanut butter. (Be sure to allot at least 20-30 minutes)

Make sure to lick the knife after spreading it on the bread. That only causes ONE of Mama's eyebrows to raise, instead of two; Mama's jaw does not drop open as wide; and her eyes do not roll around as much as when the knife is full and goes into my mouth instead of on the bread ;)

OK, once you are satisfied with the distribution of PB in your tummy AND on the bread, go ahead and lick that knife CLEAN one last time, because it is now going to be used in the jelly! You wouldn't want any foreign substances being dunked into the jelly, now would you? How gross would THAT be?

*Mama is shaking her head in disbelief again? What's that about? Not like I let the dog lick the knife! Sheesh!*

Repeat the same steps used for the peanut butter, but using the jelly now. When you have the second piece of bread smothered in jelly, you are almost done! Go ahead and lick that knife clean again. It's your last chance.

Have your partner/Mama cut the sandwich in half, or in fourths, and ENJOY!

Mama loves eating my sandwiches. She says they are the best PB and Js she has ever eaten! It almost makes me want to revisit my cooking show idea again!

Ok, I am the first to admit most of my ideas in the past were not exactly winners. But ever since I got off baby crack and stopped panhandling, I've been looking for a fulfilling career! Alas, my most recent venture, the school of performing arts, did not attract as many pupils as I had hoped; and my natural hair product line never took off (there was a whole scandal after THIS photo was leaked to the press and I lost all credibility), so I've been looking for a new trade! Sure, my other food network dreams appeared to lack something (*couldn't seem to get past those pesky inspections!!!). . .so, the smoothie shop flopped. . .and of course the Pampered Chef thing didn't pan out, and I will never live that down! But I am twice as old now! I am seasoned and ready for a new challenge! I don't wear diapers anymore, I promise to make sure that I have my pants on, and won't let my pets help in the kitchen anymore! So why does Mama lose the color in her face when I recommend sharing this (knife licking) recipe with the world?

Oh. I get it. I can see from her pleading eyes, that she wants to keep my PB and J secret recipe as something special just between the two of us :) That's OK! I love my Mama! I am willing to keep this cooking secret for her. I'm bound to think of something else! So stay tuned.

But, next time you come over, be sure to ask for my specialty! I promise I won't disappoint you! There's a little bit of ME in every bite ;)

Photo Tutorial

My knife licking technique. . .can't really teach it. It is just something I was born with, I think. Watch and learn. . .

You can either lick just with your tongue. . .

. . .or do like this and wipe it clean with your lips, too! It is a time saver if you are in a rush, since you don't have to take time to turn the knife over like you do with the tongue technique ;)

What? I got some on the side of my mouth? No problem! Let me scrape that off so I can eat it. Don't want it to go to waste!

Yuck! This knife is too clean! It needs some more peanut butter. . .

See? Some of the ingredients DO actually make it onto the bread ;)

This photo depicts one of those moments, where nobody's sure where the knife will go! Mouth? or bread? It takes your breath away, really. The suspense kills you, right?!? THRILLING!

Lookin' good! Almost done :)

Bon Appetit! YUMMY!

Are you SURE you don't want me to make you one, too?